if i die young, sink me in the river at dawn, and send me away with the words of a love song.

So things have been quite crazy lately, and things really fell apart with me and my friend. I pushed things too far, and I tried to control and manipulate the situation too much. He tried to jump into something he knew he wasn't ready for; he was just trying to be honest with me, which I appreciate, but honestly hurts more than anything if someone's being honest about feelings with very little intent to follow through on it. It was both our faults, and I was hurt and angry, rightfully so, but I failed to recognize that it was my fault too. I'm working on forgiving, because "blaming someone is like letting them live rent-free in your head", and I want to avoid that. So I'm working on forgiving, but not forgetting what he did, and it will take a while (long while) before my trust can fully recover and grow back. But the one thing that I have to trust is that we'll find our natural orbit again someday, and that we'll stay friends. I still have hope in the world, and for all that I'm a cynic, I'm also a total romantic, and I know I'll find the right guy for me someday. He won't be perfect, and I'm not perfect, and I don't expect him to sweep me off my feet, but I know that if we have the right spark, we can work together and make the relationship perfect. This is my summer, the summer I try to make myself the best possible version of me that I can be, the summer I focus on myself, on introspection, on becoming more beautiful inside and out, on my talents and skills, on being a better person, and on having fun BY MYSELF, no guys necessary. I will trust again; I don't want to be lonely. Guarding my heart forever, just because I've been hurt so badly a few times, and being lonely isn't the way to live. I like taking chances and risks, and I will eventually take a chance on another guy, but this time, I won't rush into it, I'll be more sure of myself and have a better grip on my insecurities, and he'll be the right guy. Maybe not Mr. Forever (because there's no such thing as "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Perfect", but there is a Mr. Forever for everyone) but he'll be "Mr. Right for the present", not just any guy I take a chance on because I'm done with being single. Next relationship around, I'll be a stronger person. I'm looking to go into informal, voluntary to work through some of my major trust issues anyway. I know it's good to be careful with trust, especially since I've been hurt so much, but sometimes I feel like holding my trust back so much actually gets in my own way. I'd like to be able to trust people more easily, and hurt less when my trust is broken. I feel like I dramatize it too much, unintentionally. I want to be careful with my heart, but not TOO careful, like I am now. I take chances without really taking them; I overanalyze the situation and refuse to really feel the chance, and for once, I want to change that and just live. I need to stop trying to control situations and their outcomes and let them just happen as they're meant to, and know that as long as I gave it my all with my heart, that's good enough. It's an internal issue I need to work through and talking to someone outside of family/friends might actually help. Opening up to someone new might be the first step in trusting? I don't know. We'll see. For now I just want something positive to come out of this situation, stop looking for any guy, and just focus on myself, my future, my personality, my interests and all that. And a spa day or two thrown in couldn't hurt! :) ANYWAY.
I'll get back to updating to previous post soon enough, but I just have a couple things to say at the moment:
1) SO jealous that Nina Dobrev got to hang with Florence Welch at the Nylon party. I love Florence Welch right now, she's part English, part fashion icon, part music, part rocker, and all AWESOME. She's a great, unique style inspiration (she's a little Zooey Deschanel, actually, but Zooey generally has her own unique, incomparable thing going on.)
2) I have a song-of-the-day for you guys! My cousin actually introduced me to it. It's a little Taylor Swift-esque (maybe she's the new Taylor Swift? Taylor Swift's songs are too angry and mean these days anyway.) but I love this song, and I ESPECIALLY love the music video for this song. It's super artsy and tasteful (artful?) and so soft, ethereal and beautiful all around. The sweetest thing is that Kimberly Perry (The Band Perry is actually a family band) is 28 and actually wrote the entire song herself; 28's old, yes, but it's still fairly young and already she's talking about death with the kind of maturity Taylor Swift will never have. (I think TSwift's just stuck in some sort of fantasy fairytale love thing that will never actually happen. You don't meet Mr. Perfect; you meet Mr. Alright and together you work to become the perfect couple.) Anyway, back to the song: I love it, and hope you guys will too.

Funny when you die, how people start listening...
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