Walking Fashion Fail: Rihanna Edition

FIRSTLY, a quick shoutout: Miranda Cosgrove's tourbus actually crashed less than 4 to 5 hours ago, and all parties involved sustained some minor injuries, including Miranda herself. Miranda suffered a broken ankle, but it'll make a full recovery, and the people in and surrounding the parked vehicle that her tourbus clipped were airlifted to hospital almost immediately and are also expected to make a full recovery as of now. Of course the tour has been indefinitely postponed until her ankle heals, but #getwellmiranda was a trending topic on Twitter no less than 12 minutes after the incident occurred. It's not life-threatening, and there are many more important things to be thinking about (London Riots, for instance, it's all so pointless, and possibly more on that later), but shoot a quick tweet with the hashtag getwellmiranda if you like, or not. Former co-star and Nickelodeon buddy Victoria Justice tweeted her well wishes earlier as well (is it just me or is Twitter the new Hallmark/support system outlet along with being the typical venting outlet? It seems to work!). That's about it by way of tangents for today, I guess.
In other, more personal news, Walking Fashion Fails - and conversely, Consistently Chic Celebs is a new column kind of thing I'm thinking of trying out. Fashion Police is getting called out more and more often each day, so I'll talk about some of my favorite fashion fails and celebrity chic moments on here. This is the first post in this new idea!
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A lot of people, fashion 'experts' among them, continuously claim that Barbadian singer Rihanna's outfits are bold, flashy, colorful and attention-grabbing, all of which leads to Ri-Ri looking fashionable and stylish. While I agree that Rihanna's bold wardrobe choices get her noticed and talked about, I'm not sure that any of the attention is for the right reasons. From nip-slips to unflattering sheer/pantsless looks to ridiculous bondage getups on a casual day out, her parade of impractical and downright strange looks never ends. The worst of it is that Rihanna hasn't managed to base her entire image around her impractical and ridiculous outfits a la Lady Gaga, nor does Ri manage to pull off her risque and crazy outfits as tastefully and beautifully as Katy Perry does. (Those two stars, in my opinion, are the only two stars of Hollywood that can pull off the crazy outfits they do, ranging from meat dresses and regularly pantsless looks to cat ears and full-on leotards in daylight, and STILL look classier than girls in ballgowns. Just sayin') One thing's for sure, though: I'm definitely going to LOVE writing the Walking Fashion Fail (and Consistently Chic Celebs) columns!
Now then. Have a look at, in my opinion, what are some of Rihanna's most entertaining, most iconic, most RIDICULOUS fashion flops (with commentary, of course!)
This barely-there sheer Jean Paul Gaultier that Rihanna sported to the 2011 Grammy affair was one of the most talked-about parts of the entire evening, eclipsing many other well-dressed stars' attires. The dress really does Rihanna no justice. It leaves too little to the imagination, and overall looks like an overconfettied, layer-cake abomination - like a Christmas decoration project gone wrong. And that much skin at a classy affair? Fashion faux pas for sure. I know some people have tried to defend this Grammy choice as a classy, minimalist and elegant one, but I just don't see it... if Ri wanted minimalist and elegant, she should've taken tips from Jen Aniston's stylist, not the Royal Wedding Cake.

Real classy. She should've taken some cues from Katy Perry on classy, cute nipple covers. As young as Ri-Ri looks in the picture on the right, the Kids Choice Awards are still a public event... and hasn't Rihanna had a stylist for years now? Maybe we give celebrities too much flak for their fashion fails, and not enough smack to their stylists for letting them go out in public in these eyesores.

Repeat after me: Pants are not optional. I'm actually, honestly not sure what's worse, this pantsless mess of an ensemble, OR...


...THESE pants.Yeah, I cringed too. It's a beach (albeit an elegant one), so I understand the bikini-top and won't deduct any penalty points for it (it actually manages to cover her cleavage in a decent and flattering way! Shocker.), but there is NO excuse for exhibiting those striped monstrosities outside the bedroom.

I would let that slide on-stage. On-stage outfits are meant to be risque and revealing, a la Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, Katarina Graham, and of course, Mama Monster, Lady Gaga herself. However, Rihanna needs to check her superhero fantasies at the door before she walks out into public with her underwear on top of her "pants". That, of course, is fashion violation #2: Leggings are NOT pants. Yes, italicizing and bolding and capsing the "not" was extremely necessary. The leggings-as-pants look is one "trend" that needs to go away NOW. (Couture has been screaming for this trend to go away literally for ages, but it somehow keeps resurfacing like an unsquishable bug. Thankfully it's been relegated to the "weekly worst dressed" list and college campuses (where we are trying to get it banned, make no mistake) for quite some time now, and is no longer seen in high fashion circles.
This one is not as bad as the others, but that train is seriously a trip hazard, and the sideways baseball cap is harmless but unnecessary, and Rihanna's bright red hair would actually look much better without it. The red and white contrast would look amazingly striking with the refreshingly normal Chuck Taylors and minimal jewelry.

Is that Grandma Rihanna to the left? That's just a misshapen, granny-looking mess, and those shoes do not belong with those socks. I love pairing ankle socks with cute flats or oxfords myself, but that match is just bad color coordination. Speaking of color combinations gone bad...

The crop top is incredibly unflattering, for one, but the color combination also just does not work with her hair. There's too much color going on, from her gold shoes, to vibrant red hair and fuchsia and orange outfit... one or two colors fewer would've probably allowed our eyes to stop wondering where they should focus.
That has got to be one painful, huge, obviously unattractive cameltoe. Ladies and gentlemen, leather pants: not to be worn off-stage, thanks. Though I have to admit, this would be a great form of birth control - nobody could, or would ever want to, get into pants/boots (seriously, what on earth?) that tight. I'm surprised she's not keeling over dead, what with the lack of airflow to her leg nerves and all (anybody else ever watch that episode of Sonny With A Chance that had SPS -Skinny Pants Syndrome- in it? I've actually felt that super skinny jeans. Imagine leather.)

That is a red carpet, and she is wearing a neon yellow swan princess meets negligee. On a red carpet. Um, that should just not be allowed to happen. Case closed.
What is it with Rihanna getting her style inspiration from pastry chefs, anyway? Below she looks like a melting, deconstructed vanilla cake. The lace edges of the dress look like they're fraying, and the gloves are completely unnecessary on anyone besides Kate Middleton and the Queen. There is nothing elegant about this look besides those shoes, which are actually pretty cute.

I feel like Rihanna's nipples have become a celebrity personality of their very own these days... they're seen and photographed around town more often than their owner, these days! It's said that Rihanna channeled a little bit of Momma Gaga with these star nipple covers, and maybe that's true, but I don't really understand covering the nipple covers underneath the drab, unbuttoned black shirt. Gaga would've let the nipple covers stand out of a leather&lace bustier loud and proud. This looks like a halfhearted attempt to change her image but not really being comfortable with the whole idea of going topless. This photo, snapped in Vegas, clearly puts to bed the idea that "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" - clearly, the adventures of RiRi's nipples did not stay in Vegas... though I think the world wishes they had.

I don't even have words for this. That ensemble on the left doesn't even qualify as a "hot mess". It's just a mess. A sad, pathetic mess. (And the tan bustier? Yeah, not much better than the nipslips.)


So there you have it, guys! This marks the end of our first-ever Walking Fashion Fail post, and I hope you've learned (and remembered - seriously: leggings are not pants!) a lot of lessons over the course of it. Heads up, I'll do another Walking Fashion Fail episode before I cover a Consistently Chic Celebs post! The WFF will feature America's favorite trainwreck, Miley Cyrus (you all knew it was coming, right?), and the CCC post will cover one of my personal current favorites, Blake Lively.
Until next time, xoxo