me myself and I

So I have anger issues. Many have called me a bitch. I mean I already knew that. I like to think of myself as honest, not a bitch. And despite some parts of my life, I'm pretty principled. I care about people more than you'd imagine, and I try to be there for everyone. I try to be a good person, on the whole. It sucks that everyone's always trying to screw me over. I'm trying to focus on school though. Med school here I come. (Yes I've recently had a change in direction. Med school over journalism. Oh well.) I'm done with people though, especially the annoying ones. You wouldn't believe how much I don't care what people think about me. I'm doing me, I'm doing my own thing. I'm not trying to make anyone else happy. As long as I'm happy I'm good. You'd be surprised at how cathartic a way of living that is.

I'm sorry that this is a little more of a personal post than usual. I'll post about cute shoes or something next post. I just felt like getting a little personal, and, hell, downright selfish. I'm tired of being selfless, so this is what the world gets now. But even as selfless as I am...I'm still a great person; I'm still a person who cares. Even selfish, I'm more selfless than 90% of people in the world.

glad you came.

I know it's been forever. School's been rough, and I've had a lot going on personally over the last few months, which I'm not really going to talk about (in brief: school's not going so hot, I'm officially, properly single again, and I pretty much lost my best friend in the process since we can't stop fighting, and he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore). But I'm not trying to make excuses. Or go into detail. I do however want to dive right into this post.

Short updates first though: I'm obsessed with 'The Wanted'. I'm loving some of their songs, like 'Glad You Came' (obviously. and yes I know it's about orgasms. I generally choose to overlook that fact.), 'Gold Forever', and 'Chasing the Sun'. I can't stop listening to all of them, ahhh. AND it doesn't hurt that they're so hot. Especially George and Siva.... mmm. (I'm also kind of obsessed with Lil Wayne's song 'Mirror', which has a pretty cool, artistic music video. Check it out. And I couldn't get 'Rack City' by Tyga out of my head for a while - the remix is better than the original) ... yes I've had interesting music choices lately. Since this post is getting kind of long, I'm going to throw in a music video of the Wanted's song, 'Gold Forever' - definitely worth listening to.

We can rule the world someday, somehow
But we'll never be as bright as we are now
Some days stay gold forever.

beautiful things

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can GET hit and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. How much you can TAKE and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. That's how winning is done. You've gotta be willing to take the hits, and NOT pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and THAT AIN'T YOU. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT.

—Rocky Balboa

Things in my suite have been insane, I've been getting slammed with work a lot, school hasn't been going amazingly (and I didn't get much sleep at all this well.). Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I wonder what I live for. I wonder if my life's worth living, I wonder if my life's worth living - because I know I'm not living it to my full potential, and I wonder all of that, even though I have my education paid for, a roof over my head (even if there is a lot of ridiculous and unnecessary drama going on under it right now), and decent friends (though there's a lot of drama there too), and I have stressful internships, but at least I'm working and getting experience, and that's more than I can say for so many unemployed people. I have someone who loves me regardless of ALL my faults, of which there are so many. I have so much, and by no means am I ungrateful, and that's when I start to realize that I'm being weak. It's human nature to complain about what we have, and not realize just how much we have. It's human nature to want to point fingers and place blame - elsewhere or at ourselves; even placing the blame on myself doesn't help. Life doesn't work that way; you can't place the blame for the fact that life sucks on anybody. Life does suck. It's no one's fault. Life always sucks. That's when I realize that I, like everybody else on the planet and their human nature, give up too easily. I don't hold on to the amazing willpower that I know I have. I give up and give in too easily, and whenever the going gets tough, I think about how "it shouldn't have to be this way" and how it's so unfair that it is this way, and how I don't deserve this crap from life. Well, nobody deserves the crap they get from life, but we all get the same crap. Life dishes out crap. Life is crap. It's what you make of it that counts. What separates the winners from the losers is the ability to take the crap and FIND the beauty in it, or CREATE the beauty in it. What separates the fittest in the world, from the weakest, is the ability to not crumble under the mental pressure of the weakness and the unfairness of life, and the ability to not crumble under the thought that "I'm just a mere human, wtf am I going to be able to achieve in the world?" - A lot, if you let yourself. That very thought is self-fulfilling - think it, and you'll sabotage yourself and you'll never achieve everything that you can. I've made some unhealthy choices, and I always said I was going to screw up (like everyone expected me to) and die young. Then I questioned why I was working so hard NOW, if I was going to die young anyway. And I reasoned, I should stop working so hard and just give up right now. But the truth is, I DON'T want to give up, nor do I really want to die young. It's just a defense mechanism I use, because I'm so afraid of not living up to my full potential and expectations. But I should make the choices I need to make so that I can live longer (healthier choices, emotionally etc), because I've spent far too long already dreaming and refusing to let myself take the chances I need to to make those dreams a reality. Life sucks, but giving up is weak. Weakness (not to be confused with vulnerability) is one of the most negative attributes in humans, and while I recognize that I might feel that way from time to time, I'm better than that. Being weak is human nature, and people give in to that human nature all the time, and I can't fault people for that. But human nature does not dictate our choices. At least, it doesn't dictate mine anymore. I work so hard so I can be successful, and that's me. I'm not ready to give up, so just because I have thoughts of weakness doesn't mean that life's not worth it at the end. That part of human nature, to give up, give in, stop working, maybe even die rather than live, exists in me, and I acknowledge it, but I refuse to entertain it, and that, I suppose, is what makes all the difference between the strong and the weak in the world. At the end of the day, if I don't keep living, I'll never find out what I could've been, for good or bad, and I'm too curious for that. I've always been hopeful, actually. It's one of my best characteristics. I just need to stop keeping it suppressed in the fear that nothing will come out of that hope and that maybe hoping isn't worth it. I need to just really let my hope flag fly free and keep in mind that there's always a reason to keep going and that giving up means you're not strong enough to ask for help when you need it. Giving up is the easy way, and nothing that's really worth having ever came easy. Life's a privilege, not a birthright, so I guess we don't "deserve" better than the crap we get - not to say that we deserve the crap either, but we as a species should take life for whatever it is, crap or not, because our very existence in the world is a privilege and blessing, not a birthright.

Random thoughts of the day. There's been way too much drama in my life lately, and things have been tough, but I've never been more inspired to keep on working and make things work out and to just adjust my perspective on life as I need to in order to keep going. ...It's been a long week. I can't explain the above without getting into too many personal details, but my suitemate and guy I love and other friends and even school and work have all been involved in some way or another.

Let's just say I've taken a few hits from life lately but I'm back on my feet; it is worth getting back on your feet after a few hits, and I'm ready to keep on walking forward. I'm not ready to die young, I'm not ready to give up, and therefore, I'm not going to.  

Unwritten

Lovin' the multicultural imagery in this video... sidenote: I kinda wanna visit Tibet. And indulge in Thailand's culture (not just its awesome shopping...) and see the Great Wall of China.... but I should really hit closer to home and first go take a walk on the Brooklyn Bridge... all the way across to actual Brooklyn, where I've only been once, and that was by Subway.) I also love her hair, and her green crop top (which is in vogue again for Fall 2011, just by the way), and I love the song! It's energetic and just kind of awesome. The imagery of dirty, rainy windows is cool too (I'm a writer. I'm inspired by the weirdest things. Let it go.) But then I love the image of weak and slowly-strengthening sunshine (internal, represented externally) breaking the clingy film of rain on the window... this is starting to sound like an english essay now, sorry :| but HERE. Watch it and just love it, instead of overanalyzing it, like you're supposed to. (I mean that's why I both love/hate writing: love it, cause I can express what I see and feel in words, or I can express my inability to express what I see/feel in words, but I hate overanalyzing everything instinctively instead of just LIVING and experiencing it. Ah, the dilemma of a writer... this shit's harder than science majors realize. THEY get to just live once they're out of lab... sort of. I have science major friends who overanalyze everything biochemically, and that almost seems worse than overanalyzing everything with words.) There. Now you've also been subject to my random tangent of the day, which, if you actually follow my blog, you know I do quite often. Now, we can move on :P

Wavy hair with a flatiron: tutorial

Suchhhhh an awesome cool video! I will definitely be trying this when I don't have such a busy day (I have SUCH a long list of things to do tomorrow, and I CANNOT risk a bad hair day because I have no time to fix it! And I don't even have any time to try this tomorrow morning :( --my hair should be fine if I flatiron it slightly tomorrow! It's quick, easy, takes 5 minutes and I use a flatiron every day so there's no potential for mistakes, unlike this style.) But I hope you guys enjoy, and I will definitely try this -Thursday night IF I go out, and just generally over the weekend, during "me" time, if I don't go out specifically on Thursday (might go out Saturday or so regardless...) Hope you like it; I just stumbled upon it while googling how to get waves in hair (my hair's naturally wavy but straight right now, and I wanted a different look for tomorrow, but now I'm just too lazy and afraid that if it comes out wrong, I'll have NO time to fix/undo the look. And bad hair days put me in a grouchy mood ALLLLL day.) On a sidenote, I totally want to try the Chi heat-protecting serium. And the hold/shine serum I have from Victoria's Secret (will post product image at some point...) is way better than that yellow stuff. Just sayin'. But I love the tutorial, and trust me, you will love this lifesaver after watching too! It's a whole new style in like, 5 minutes!
xoxo... you know you love me ;) (who's keeping up with Gossip Girl Season 5?! That baby is so totally Chuck's, but Blair's just holding onto the shreds of her princess dream -and the shreds of her dignity- by telling the world that the baby is Louis's. Oh, Blair. Don't you know that the truth always comes out on the UES? .......I think the UES would do well to learn from Pretty Little Liars' Ali DiLaurentis: two can keep a secret only if one of them is dead.)

Dancing In The Dark

I promised a song, so here you go. It's a pretty old song, but it's good. And has hidden undertones of female empowerment, if you can read between the lines and figure out what it's really about. Dev's solo album is also set to drop November 1st, and I'm definitely curious to see whether it's really a "solo" album or whether it's mostly collaborative (some people just lend themselves better to background vocals... is Dev one of them? Stick around to find out.). But I suggest checking it out, Dev sounds promising in all her collabs (Far East Movement, the Cataracs, Demi Lovato...) so far, at the very least.

Click the link!

School and my internships (I now have two! The first one's over at http://www.emcblue.com/, and I have a second one with http://www.hercampus.com/ now, which is amazing. Head on over to both pleaseee!) have kept me SO busy. Which really explains the lack of posts around here. I really miss posting personal stuff here though, so I'll try to come back and get back to updating both here and over at my Wordpress blog SOMEWHAT regularly. I also sort of have a Lovelyish blog, which I don't really update (I applied for the internship, and had to write sample pieces.) I'm really too busy to update this, Lovelyish, Wordpress, and keep on top of Her Campus and EmcBlue and still manage 16 credits. So I'm basically going to stick to the latter 3. I might kill my Lovelyish blog at some point anyway, and just morph my blog here and over at Wordpress into an actual website that I can update semi-regularly. I'm also THINKING (haven't made up my mind) about contributing to the campus newspaper, the Observer, and I also have an interesting love-life-boy situation going on right now (that's all I'll say about that, I'll avoid divulging personal details in a very public forum. But I'm happy and in love with the boy -for the most part. Things are more complicated than that but for now I feel blessed to have him in my life.) Still trying to manage a social life too, which is a little harder, since I absolutely love my suitemates and would love to go out with them and just party and chill every single night of the week. Alas, schoolwork. I still need an A in bio, which is really what prevents me from updating my blogs more, and joining the newspaper, and I can't even give as much attention to the boy as I would like (and he can't either. Priorities...)

Lesson of the day here is that you should all really manage your time wisely and invest it in projects that really matter (yes, boys matter. To a point.) But your future matters MORE, because your future is what you make of it, and it will always be there, even if/after the boy leaves. Don't neglect the future for the right now, but also don't forget to enjoy the present -the boy- because you were too busy worrying about the aspects of the future that you have no control over anyway. Capiche? Good. Then click on the link below to check out a highly relevant blurb I posted over at my Lovelyish blog (it's very Lovelyish material so that was the first place I thought of posting.) I would repost here, but I'm out of time, so just click the link. I shall also throw out a song of the day right after this... just because I feel guilty I haven't been here in a while.

http://neha.lovelyish.com/755862386/-the-21st-century-is/

xo